OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
