she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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