WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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