i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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