My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
