i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
