my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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