her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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