If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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