In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
