My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
