my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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