Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
