I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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