You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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