i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
