I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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