i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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