Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
