Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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