Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I want a musical about memes.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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