In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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