I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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