OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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