3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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