Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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