Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
