My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
