She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
