so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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