Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
