oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
