I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
