I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
