Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
