just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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