remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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