i permit you to call me
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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