I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
