He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
