oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
