We're facebook friends in real life
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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