you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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