you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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