You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
