I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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