My cat gives me a boner
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
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I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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