At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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