1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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