I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
