he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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