i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
the raccoons are back...
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