i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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