I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
