the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
