I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
