My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
