I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
