Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
And then he peed in my hair
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
