last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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