Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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