whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
