I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
