It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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